As I continue to show up here and process some of the new-ish rhythms of this middle stage of life, I want to be clear that my intent isn’t prescriptive, but rather to show the ways I am working through many of these new milestones in real time, through trial and error, and with honesty.

Many people deal with their kids leaving home and going off to college, but one wrinkle that military life adds for us is that not only are our kids now in a new location, we, too, continue to change locations regularly as they spread their wings.

Think of it like this. For a majority of people, when their kids leave for their first year of college, the parents and their home base is still in tact in the same location. Return visits from college include their kids coming back to their longtime home, in their longtime community, near their longtime friends, churches, and roots.

This has not been our experience. In 2022, when Thomas graduated from Fort Campbell High School, within a few weeks, we drove away for good. We settled in Williamsburg and a few weeks later, drove him back to Tennessee for college at Lee. Those first two years of his college career, we were nearly nine hours away.

In 2024, when Mae graduated from Jamestown High School, within a few weeks, we drove away for good. We settled outside of Savannah and a few weeks later, drove her to Tennessee for college at Tennessee Tech. These first two years of her college career, we are over seven hours away and these last two years of Thomas’s, we are six hours away.

We will repeat this cycle again this spring. In 2026, when Kate graduates from Richmond Hill High School, within a few weeks, we will drive away for good. We will settle at our next duty station and a few weeks later, we will drive Kate to her college of choice. So many unknowns. So many logistics to figure out. So much geographical and heart orientation for a mother to resolve.

There is something imbedded deep inside of me that I have to know where I am in this world and how far my kids will be from me. Yes, there’s the practical, how long will it take me to reach them if I needed to and how might we travel to get them home for breaks, but it goes so much deeper than that.

I calculate drive times but I’m also calculating how much or how little– how possible and practical– it will be to see our college kids regularly. To be honest, doing this math is kind of a bummer, because, over the past four years, it just never feels like enough. Now that we are mere months away from Kate joining her siblings mostly out of the house, things feel even more intense and somehow, final.

I’ve spent the better part of more than two decades with a huge part of my time, focus, energy, love– and very life and breath invested in the absolute details of the waking, sleeping, coming, going, and existence of my children. I make no apologies for this. I have savored every moment. There are many days that I can’t quite make sense of how I’m supposed to go from this all-in level of engagement in my kids’ lives to simply dropping them off on a campus and pretending like my actual heart isn’t breaking into a million pieces?

What I’ve learned is that despite the extreme discomfort of this growing up and letting go phase of parenting and midlife, is that it is not my children’s responsibility to make those feelings go away. It is my responsibility to deal with my own unpleasant feelings and heartaches. (Perhaps, another day I’ll write more about my journey of overcoming co-dependence. 😅 )

After all, our kids are doing what healthy, normal, independent kids are supposed to do. They are off on their own adventures. I bless them. I admire them. I am so proud of them. While our family and our home will always be a safe place to land, I do recognize that it will never be how it was when they lived at home full-time.

And now with two in college and one soon to follow, I am doing what I can to show up as a college mom or young adult mom, just as I did as a baby mom, a toddler mom, and you get the idea. Nothing has changed in how much I love and adore my children, but what has changed is how I show up for them and stay close to them.

Below are five lessons I’ve learned so far and the ways I’m practicing being a good young adult mom:

1. Trust that God Loves Them Even More Than I Do

This sounds so cliche, but in the letting go I am leaning on this even more than I did when the kids were all little. I know God has such good plans for our kids. They all have deep relationships with him and I know he’s got purpose for their lives far beyond anything I could imagine.

I have simply been a steward of the years they had under my direct care. Now I get to watch them walk their own walk. What a joy to see God at work in their friendships, in their communities, and in the space and places he’s calling them to vocationally.

2. Loving Relationships are Different from Obedience

When the kids are young and under your direct influence you may think you are insisting on certain things and they really don’t have another option than to follow through with your directives. However, when they are not at home and under your direct influence, they can choose to do what they want.

I am grateful that we are in a stage where there’s almost no “because we said so,” and almost all, “we love you and we trust you,” and the reciprocal, “I feel that love and make good choices and choose to keep you in the loop about the details of my life.”

3. Nobody’s Perfect

We have never expected perfection out of our kids and we know as they enter into young adulthood, there will be many mistakes, mis-steps, and the need for do-overs. And that’s just from Ryan and me. We are constantly failing and trying again as we learn to parent emerging and young adults.

While day to day layers of support and scaffolding are being carefully removed like one Jenga piece at a time, our love, commitment, and willingness to guide and help when needed will always endure. Our family culture says that when they mess up or when we mess up, we bring the truth to light, we apologize, we forgive, and we move on. While consequences may abound, love abounds more.

4. Do. Not. Give. Advice.

This is a tough one. But I am learning that most of the time, no one is asking me for my opinion and therefore, I must not offer it unsolicited. This is an old habit and one that dies hard, but I am trying. The number of times I’ve had to literally bite my cheek to stop myself from speaking or the number of texts I’ve written and then painstakingly deleted is high.

I call this the adulting pause. It’s where I simply listen, wait, pause, and then choose my response. So often it’s, “Man, that sounds hard,” or “How did you handle that?,” or “Oof, what a tough day!”

My instinct is to jump in, offer a solution, and try to fix. Nine times out of ten, this isn’t why my kids are including me in the conversation. They are usually just venting. And unless I hear the exact words, “Mom will you help me fix this,” I just encourage and listen.

The adulting pause is where our kids get to continue building up their cache of adulting proficiency.

5. Treats and Surprises

One of my core values at this stage of life is to celebrate when possible. I do this with a little help from my friends at Venmo, USPS, InstaCart, and DoorDash.

I have a little schedule of at least one monthly treat I try to send:

January- Back to School Reset for Dorm/Apartment and School Supplies

February- Valentine’s Box of Treats

March- Spring Break Bonus Venmo

April (Easter)- New Tennis Shoes and $100 in Restaurant Gift Cards

May- Finals Treat Venmo Study Money

June- Update Phone and/or cases, chargers, and road trip items

July- New Water Bottle and Barnes and Noble GC

August- Back to School Clothes and School Supplies

September- Fall Seasonal Goodies Care Package

October- Fall Break Bonus Venmo

November- Medicine Restock for Sick Season

December- Finals Treat

Plus for birthdays, I try to either Door Dash a favorite meal or InstaCart some cupcakes to celebrate. And if they are sick or needing a little pick-me-up, I send flowers, Panera chicken noodle soup, or a treat.

It’s not the same as having them here or being together, but it is one small way I can still feel connected and cheer the kids on.

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As mothers, just as we get the hang of one stage of motherhood, we blink, and things change again. For now, I’m embracing this newest stage of having young adult kids. I am keeping an open door, an open mind, and an open heart.

Just because this stage of parenting brings some discomforts, doesn’t mean it also doesn’t bring some great joys! I want to always honestly acknowledge the hard parts and realities, but I don’t want to ever get stuck there. There’s just too much goodness, excitement, and fun to savor and I don’t want to miss out on it.